Ok, so it's 11 o'clock and I am sitting at an Applebee's having a drink. Why? For one thing, here in the Portland Metro nothing is open past 10pm on a Monday night except maybe the dive bars that I am just not ready to go to now that I am a mom of 3 and married! For another, I have found a secret getaway...the kids go down and I go out. Sometimes a movie, sometimes just aimless wandering or driving listening to the radio as loud as I want not worrying about whether my kids will ask what song is playing or what it is about (FYI-"Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC is about dancing...that's what they were doing all night long, at least that is what I've explained to my 5 year old)!
Here's the catch...late nights mean less sleep, but when your a 3 month old doesn't usually wake up until 5 or 6 am after going to bed at 8pm, it is almost always worth it! I figure I am evening the score and getting as much sleep as I did with the other 2 kids!
The problem is that there is really not much to do. Coffee places are closed, nice restaurants or wine bars are closed, and really it is a movie or just aimless wandering...or blogging, thanks to my "crackberry"!
I've done the movie thing, and in most cases, if I get out by 9pm it is not an extremely late evening, but other times getting to bed at 2am and then waking to baby grunts of hunger 4 hours later...not pleasant!
My million dollar business idea...a place for moms to go that has late evening fun, coffee (decaf of course), wine, movies, and wireless access!
Anyone game?! Hello? Oh, right...everyone is at home, in bed, asleep.
Oh well, I guess there is always that!
Until next time...
Monday, August 23, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
"What we have here...is a failure to communicate." And the results of...
Couples' therapy 101...communicate, communicate, communicate. Now, chalk it up to being married almost 7--I know, I know, only 7, but at least I recognize that--years, actual progress due to previous therapy sessions, or just dumb luck, but we handled this one like pros! Yes, on our after dinner walk with the family tonight, it dawned on us that we have been going about this bedtime routine with 3 kids all wrong...
Not that anything was "wrong" per se, just unevenly distributed. Here's how it was with 2 kids: Me to Josh (or vice versa), "Do I have (child unnamed) tonight, or do you?" Josh to me (again, or vice versa) with a smirk, "You do." And believe me, this WAS evenly distributed between both children. Some nights with one were good, others...not so good. But they changed like the ocean tides, and we were both evenly rewarded and tortured as the nightly switch-off proceeded.
Here's how it is with 3 kids: (on a weeknight) bedtime approaches...Josh's voice to the older two "5 more minutes, then it's time to go upstairs and get ready for bed." My voice to Brookie "Come on, Munch, finish your bottle, then time for bed." One night per weekend, Josh takes Brookie, giving me time with the two and him with the baby. A status quo...but...
Let me make clear that this was an unspoken agreement. Neither one said a word to the other. No disgruntled smack talk, no jibes about fairness or equality, nothing. We accepted this world as reality and the "right" way. Why? Well, I suppose it was because we just accepted that whoever put the baby down would be doing the feeding during the night or early morning as the case became, or that it would be most helpful for mama to only have the baby to deal with. But why did we not separate bedtime and feeding? Previous attempts at breastfeeding, I guess, although, that was short lived. The "natural order" of things? Maybe, but the truth is...we just didn't think about it or if we did, we didn't communicate it to each other. We each just thought this was the most "helpful" way to get through this part of our life.
Ha! So, a moment of clarity as we were walking...I say to Josh, my skin crawling at the thought of the next couple of hours having to be touched by anything besides a BIG glass of wine, "I could put those two down tonight, if you want." Being a weeknight, he looks at me, almost like a child being offered the biggest lollipop in the store, "Really?" Making a comment about his shortness or frustration with them over the last few nights, he says "I could do with some switching off. That could work." What idiots we were!! Duh, where does it say in the parenting handbook....?
Oh, yeah, there is none!
The only thing I was conscious of thinking before tonight was "why would he not want to do Brookie at night?" She is the easiest of the 3 right now. He thought he was helping. I also thought it would be easier for us with his help of taking the two. Until our veneers started to crack and he was frustrated with dealing with two and their bedtime antics, and I was frustrated with being the one doing the evening feedings and constant touching and holding and having to be touched or having a tiny little hotbox on me and with me all evening. We both thought things were as they "should" be. After the "A ha" moment, we discussed it, laughed about it, figured it out...and from this...the new and improved nighttime switch-off has begun!
Lessons learned. Sometimes the only way through marriage and kids is to go through them. The whole "he/she should know what I am thinking after being my spouse for so long" train of thought...BUNK! Bottled up resentment and anger...BULLSH@&! And, as for the "I have the hardest job of the two of us," really, it gets you nowhere.
Marriage advice...CAVEAT WARNING...I am only offering as someone who is married (no actual training or schooling involved) and as someone has had the good fortune of meeting some really awesome people and parenting experts, and having an awesome hubby, try to put into words all those little (well, ok, maybe not all) voices in your head and "talk it through." I used to hate that phrase, but honey, I get it now. I can say with such love and respect that we have made it! Two years ago, this episode would have been full of resentment, and accusations, and anger, you name it! But you really do grow as a couple...if you communicate.
Score: psychobabble (1), married people (0)! Love to you, babe, our marriage and our 3 wonderful children!
Not that anything was "wrong" per se, just unevenly distributed. Here's how it was with 2 kids: Me to Josh (or vice versa), "Do I have (child unnamed) tonight, or do you?" Josh to me (again, or vice versa) with a smirk, "You do." And believe me, this WAS evenly distributed between both children. Some nights with one were good, others...not so good. But they changed like the ocean tides, and we were both evenly rewarded and tortured as the nightly switch-off proceeded.
Here's how it is with 3 kids: (on a weeknight) bedtime approaches...Josh's voice to the older two "5 more minutes, then it's time to go upstairs and get ready for bed." My voice to Brookie "Come on, Munch, finish your bottle, then time for bed." One night per weekend, Josh takes Brookie, giving me time with the two and him with the baby. A status quo...but...
Let me make clear that this was an unspoken agreement. Neither one said a word to the other. No disgruntled smack talk, no jibes about fairness or equality, nothing. We accepted this world as reality and the "right" way. Why? Well, I suppose it was because we just accepted that whoever put the baby down would be doing the feeding during the night or early morning as the case became, or that it would be most helpful for mama to only have the baby to deal with. But why did we not separate bedtime and feeding? Previous attempts at breastfeeding, I guess, although, that was short lived. The "natural order" of things? Maybe, but the truth is...we just didn't think about it or if we did, we didn't communicate it to each other. We each just thought this was the most "helpful" way to get through this part of our life.
Ha! So, a moment of clarity as we were walking...I say to Josh, my skin crawling at the thought of the next couple of hours having to be touched by anything besides a BIG glass of wine, "I could put those two down tonight, if you want." Being a weeknight, he looks at me, almost like a child being offered the biggest lollipop in the store, "Really?" Making a comment about his shortness or frustration with them over the last few nights, he says "I could do with some switching off. That could work." What idiots we were!! Duh, where does it say in the parenting handbook....?
Oh, yeah, there is none!
The only thing I was conscious of thinking before tonight was "why would he not want to do Brookie at night?" She is the easiest of the 3 right now. He thought he was helping. I also thought it would be easier for us with his help of taking the two. Until our veneers started to crack and he was frustrated with dealing with two and their bedtime antics, and I was frustrated with being the one doing the evening feedings and constant touching and holding and having to be touched or having a tiny little hotbox on me and with me all evening. We both thought things were as they "should" be. After the "A ha" moment, we discussed it, laughed about it, figured it out...and from this...the new and improved nighttime switch-off has begun!
Lessons learned. Sometimes the only way through marriage and kids is to go through them. The whole "he/she should know what I am thinking after being my spouse for so long" train of thought...BUNK! Bottled up resentment and anger...BULLSH@&! And, as for the "I have the hardest job of the two of us," really, it gets you nowhere.
Marriage advice...CAVEAT WARNING...I am only offering as someone who is married (no actual training or schooling involved) and as someone has had the good fortune of meeting some really awesome people and parenting experts, and having an awesome hubby, try to put into words all those little (well, ok, maybe not all) voices in your head and "talk it through." I used to hate that phrase, but honey, I get it now. I can say with such love and respect that we have made it! Two years ago, this episode would have been full of resentment, and accusations, and anger, you name it! But you really do grow as a couple...if you communicate.
Score: psychobabble (1), married people (0)! Love to you, babe, our marriage and our 3 wonderful children!
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