Our children, ourselves...or are they?

When I became a mom, I said I would never be one of "those" moms. You know the kind that judge what other parents do, say, implement, ignore, condone, etc, and snicker and tsk and give the looks and whispers. I would not be one of them because my kids (of course) would never do anything to embarass me or make me the subject of discussion of "those" moms.

Well, phooey, we all do it. Moms, Dads, Grandparents, friends, we all judge other people and their actions everyday. And nowhere else does our sense of self get as overinflated, and our view of our own actions so obscured as when we see the children of other people doing or saying things that "our children would never do" and walk away secure in the knowledge that we are doing a much better job of parenting than "them." Until...our children do and say those things.

Enter, reality...

Kindergarten boys soccer game number 3...the other team tries to score and misses. My son, my angel, the fruit of my labor (well, not in the birthing sense), yells at the top of his lungs to the other boys..."LOSERS, you guys are losers!!" I missed the actual event, so the words may be off, but you get the idea. I came into the picture when other parents on our team went to my son and gave him pieces of their minds (to whom I am grateful for stepping in when so clearly a good sportsmanship infraction was committed). Many of those parents actually apologized to me for stepping in, clearly aware of how it might offend some parents who cannot take a criticism of their child in any circumstance. I was totally ok with the fact that those parents stepped in. It was necessary and I would have done the same. What I was not ok with was that the need for it was caused by my kid.

I know, I know, kids do and say those things, but it was like my parenting bubble was burst. My kid just totally humiliated me...ok, so I left out the part about the parents from the other team standing 3 feet from me and making all kinds of tsk, tsk, noises, and the "unbelievable" and "what, is this team going jerseylicious on us or what?"
Situation dealt with, coach (dad) took the team aside and gave the talk about good sportsmanship and what it means. Mom, fuming on the sideline...

Enter...soccer game #4...my son on the sideline waiting until the opposing team members came close and then threw grass at them, later making faces at the other team, shooting pretend finger guns at them, blah, blah, blah, etc... Again, missing the initial contact and having to get some of the story secondhand (the rest I saw for myself as I was a hawk the rest of the game) our teams other parents stepped in and let my son know that the behavior was inappropriate and so on. He turns and looks at me. Not knowing exactly what transpired, but judging from the gasps and "aww, now, that's not ok" from the other parents that I needed to say something, I looked him in the eye and said "really disappointing, really disappointing," hoping to be vague yet stern enough to get through until I got the whole story. I let coach know he needed to address the same issues again, and then fumed on the sideline...again.

Now, I know, these infractions are small, not very mean, not bullying or other really seriously concerning behaviors. What bothers me most is how bothered I was by them. Yes, boys will be boys, and the yes, competition is hard for 5 year olds to learn to handle, but where do you draw the line? Is it enough to model good sportsmanship, or do I need to do something more and yes, I am probably overreacting...but what I really wonder is why? Why did my child's behavior affect me so much?

Which finally brings me back to this initial intention of this post...our children being a reflection of ourselves. Of course there is personal bullying and overall meanspirited treatment baggage in my suitcases (being the recipient of behaviors such as these in my time), and the last thing I want is my son to be that person. As a mom, I know I am judged on the actions of my kids. It is the nature of human parents, for better or worse. That is why. I don't want to be the "talk" of some other parents (negatively anyway). I want the "wow, what a great mom" or the "she's doing a great job." I want my kids to be a reflection of the best parts of me, not to be the recipient of the tsk, tsking, or disapproving looks. Yes, I am guilty of wanting to deliver or thinking some of the same, but I am at least wise enough to check myself and keep those feelings or thoughts to myself when I feel or think them!

Well, ok, so I have been known to dish the dirt and have mommy judging moments, but only to make myself feel like a better parent. Never to actually hurt someone's feelings. I guess it's like the tree falling in the forest thing...if no one is around to hear it...like I said, we all do it.

Oh, boy...hello self-examination and the realization that the opinions of others about me still makes or breaks my self-esteem. Told you this blog was cheaper than therapy!!!

So what is important in the end? That my son is an angel, a typical 5 year old boy who I want to play sports, have fun, compete, and yes, try to win (even though there is no score keeping in his age group). But most important, I want him to be the better player. The one who tries his best, helps and encourages his teammates, and is both a gracious winner and loser. I think those things can be accomplished, and should be, without the name calling, grass throwing, yuckiness that I have seen the last couple of games. This translates to a life lesson for me. I want my kid to be the better person, not the one that people are having to talk to, or about. We all judge, but maybe a little more objective observation, and a lot more humility are the keys to avoiding the scorn of "those moms" and negativity later in life.

Or maybe...this is the female version of unsportsmanlike conduct, and is necessary for the game. Maybe there is a reason we all do it...HA! Perhaps I'm not the only one with self-esteem issues. It might be what makes the world go round!!

Is it so bad to want to be liked and approved of? Who knows, and is anyone keeping score anyway....? Oh, yeah...we all are.

Until next time....

Late nights with Me, Myself, and I.

Ok, so it's 11 o'clock and I am sitting at an Applebee's having a drink. Why? For one thing, here in the Portland Metro nothing is open past 10pm on a Monday night except maybe the dive bars that I am just not ready to go to now that I am a mom of 3 and married! For another, I have found a secret getaway...the kids go down and I go out. Sometimes a movie, sometimes just aimless wandering or driving listening to the radio as loud as I want not worrying about whether my kids will ask what song is playing or what it is about (FYI-"Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC is about dancing...that's what they were doing all night long, at least that is what I've explained to my 5 year old)!
Here's the catch...late nights mean less sleep, but when your a 3 month old doesn't usually wake up until 5 or 6 am after going to bed at 8pm, it is almost always worth it! I figure I am evening the score and getting as much sleep as I did with the other 2 kids!
The problem is that there is really not much to do. Coffee places are closed, nice restaurants or wine bars are closed, and really it is a movie or just aimless wandering...or blogging, thanks to my "crackberry"!
I've done the movie thing, and in most cases, if I get out by 9pm it is not an extremely late evening, but other times getting to bed at 2am and then waking to baby grunts of hunger 4 hours later...not pleasant!
My million dollar business idea...a place for moms to go that has late evening fun, coffee (decaf of course), wine, movies, and wireless access!
Anyone game?! Hello? Oh, right...everyone is at home, in bed, asleep.
Oh well, I guess there is always that!
Until next time...

"What we have here...is a failure to communicate." And the results of...

Couples' therapy 101...communicate, communicate, communicate. Now, chalk it up to being married almost 7--I know, I know, only 7, but at least I recognize that--years, actual progress due to previous therapy sessions, or just dumb luck, but we handled this one like pros! Yes, on our after dinner walk with the family tonight, it dawned on us that we have been going about this bedtime routine with 3 kids all wrong...

Not that anything was "wrong" per se, just unevenly distributed. Here's how it was with 2 kids: Me to Josh (or vice versa), "Do I have (child unnamed) tonight, or do you?" Josh to me (again, or vice versa) with a smirk, "You do." And believe me, this WAS evenly distributed between both children. Some nights with one were good, others...not so good. But they changed like the ocean tides, and we were both evenly rewarded and tortured as the nightly switch-off proceeded.

Here's how it is with 3 kids: (on a weeknight) bedtime approaches...Josh's voice to the older two "5 more minutes, then it's time to go upstairs and get ready for bed." My voice to Brookie "Come on, Munch, finish your bottle, then time for bed." One night per weekend, Josh takes Brookie, giving me time with the two and him with the baby. A status quo...but...

Let me make clear that this was an unspoken agreement. Neither one said a word to the other. No disgruntled smack talk, no jibes about fairness or equality, nothing. We accepted this world as reality and the "right" way. Why? Well, I suppose it was because we just accepted that whoever put the baby down would be doing the feeding during the night or early morning as the case became, or that it would be most helpful for mama to only have the baby to deal with. But why did we not separate bedtime and feeding? Previous attempts at breastfeeding, I guess, although, that was short lived. The "natural order" of things? Maybe, but the truth is...we just didn't think about it or if we did, we didn't communicate it to each other. We each just thought this was the most "helpful" way to get through this part of our life.

Ha! So, a moment of clarity as we were walking...I say to Josh, my skin crawling at the thought of the next couple of hours having to be touched by anything besides a BIG glass of wine, "I could put those two down tonight, if you want." Being a weeknight, he looks at me, almost like a child being offered the biggest lollipop in the store, "Really?" Making a comment about his shortness or frustration with them over the last few nights, he says "I could do with some switching off. That could work." What idiots we were!! Duh, where does it say in the parenting handbook....?

Oh, yeah, there is none!

The only thing I was conscious of thinking before tonight was "why would he not want to do Brookie at night?" She is the easiest of the 3 right now. He thought he was helping. I also thought it would be easier for us with his help of taking the two. Until our veneers started to crack and he was frustrated with dealing with two and their bedtime antics, and I was frustrated with being the one doing the evening feedings and constant touching and holding and having to be touched or having a tiny little hotbox on me and with me all evening. We both thought things were as they "should" be. After the "A ha" moment, we discussed it, laughed about it, figured it out...and from this...the new and improved nighttime switch-off has begun!

Lessons learned. Sometimes the only way through marriage and kids is to go through them. The whole "he/she should know what I am thinking after being my spouse for so long" train of thought...BUNK! Bottled up resentment and anger...BULLSH@&! And, as for the "I have the hardest job of the two of us," really, it gets you nowhere.

Marriage advice...CAVEAT WARNING...I am only offering as someone who is married (no actual training or schooling involved) and as someone has had the good fortune of meeting some really awesome people and parenting experts, and having an awesome hubby, try to put into words all those little (well, ok, maybe not all) voices in your head and "talk it through." I used to hate that phrase, but honey, I get it now. I can say with such love and respect that we have made it! Two years ago, this episode would have been full of resentment, and accusations, and anger, you name it! But you really do grow as a couple...if you communicate.

Score: psychobabble (1), married people (0)! Love to you, babe, our marriage and our 3 wonderful children!

To Potty, or Not to Potty...What's a mom to do?

Let me start by saying that it has been 2 years of turmoil with this issue and I am about ready to explode!!! And, I promise to go back over this before I post it and insert gratuitous humor in places where it may be lacking in all this crap.

Yep, we screwed up. We started training my son too soon. Our bad, bummer, should have read more books, mea culpa, etc., etc....

We used rewards--M & M's, toys, anything at all that we thought would work. All that was 2 years ago. Since then it has been no praise/no blame, the "ignore it and the behavior will change" approach, "you'll use the potty when your body is ready" approach, giving him an unlimited supply of pants and underwear in a day (for 6 months), and the ONE pair of underwear and pants for a day, and he spends the rest of the time naked, and we leave from where we are, or don't leave the house, approach (for another 6 months, until now). Now we are living with the aftermath of what we did wrong, but also with the corrections we have tried relentlessly to implement. I can say, with all sincerity...we have tried EVERYTHING, and we are as lost as a blind man in a dark alley...full of dirty undershorts!

And, before I hear from the other camp, yes, we have also tried NOTHING...several times.

The longer this goes on, the more I fear I am causing some kind of irreparable Freudian trauma to my poor boy...(look for the theme of traumatizing our children in a future post)! On the other hand, how many more times can hear the response of "I just didn't want to stop what I was doing," before I undo all the hard work we have put into this mess and throw diapers at the poor boy while I throw every pair of dinosaur and superhero underwear out the flippin' window!!!?

He is not "learning" how to do this anymore. He knows how and what to do, can hear his body, knows the difference between when he has to pee and to poop, and knows where the bathroom is...he is just choosing not to use it. Here's what the pediatrician says, "it is not physical, it is in his head and it has to be his choice." Yes, I get it, but...but...but...ENOUGH!! Choose my way, dammit!!

Here is where we are...this has to stop. Kindergarten is coming, and I do not want my adorable little boy having a nickname like "pee-pee pants Golden" or something worse sticking with him through high school. Kids are cruel, and I don't feel like I'm doing a good job if I don't try to do something now to protect him. Before it was questions of does he know how to listen to his body? Can he not feel it coming? Is it a physical problem? Those questions have been answered. The simple truth is he doesn't care. And why do I so much, you must be asking? Because I am ok with "accidents" they happen, no big deal.

However, when your 5 year old son, who has the vocabulary of a 6th grader and the reading comprehension to go with it, looks up at you from the living room carpet (as he is playing a game with EDIBLE cheerios) with poop on his feet, underneath him, and all over his butt and says to me as I ask "why didn't you use the potty?" (as it is literally 6 feet from where he is playing) "I just didn't want to stop what I was doing"...all rationality goes out the window.

That, and all the laundry....my life is laundry and I just can't deal with anymore than absolutely necessary in my new family of five.

I did however, keep it together with him long enough to have the "talk" about germs, and I did play the "disappointed mom" card. What worries me, is that the next step is anger, from either me or my hubby. That is not a card we have played yet, and part of me wonders if it might be time to do so, regardless of what all the parenting books and advice say. From what I hear, it worked for me when I was 3 and Dad lost it after I pooped on the floor in front of him.

Ahhhh, Karma, you work in such wondrous ways.

All that being said, I know this too shall pass. He will not be in high school with this problem. I love my boy! He is bright, and funny, and if I didn't have to constantly worry that urine or fecal matter were hiding, unseen, ready to strike I could be a better mom. At the very least, a less grumpy one. The baby is not crawling yet, but God help us if this is not over by the time she is...I see quarantine to his bedroom then, naked, save for the saran wrap I use...unless we go the diaper route.

Until next time...

What have I gotten myself into??

So much more than I expected, more work, more learning, navigating through all the web stuff and instructions...blah, blah, blah. Ok, I think I have made enough headway to actually post something. Whether or not that something is worth reading, we'll soon see. Yes, I am officially putting myself out there, revisiting the world of writing I discovered more than 15 years ago. I have boxes of old notes, stories, witty anecdotes (ok, so maybe more full of shit than wit), and random babblings of the me before marriage and children. I guess I feel that I might have more to offer now, after the vows and toilet training. Maybe there are funnier stories, more poignant and relevant than the "know-it-all" ramblings of a 21 year old! But I'll let you be the judges...

First things first, a little background for those who don't know me much beyond facebook hellos, casual playdates, friends of friends, or blasts from the past. Hopefully it is not too much, and not too little. I've always been a compatiblist so finding the middle ground is like home for me. Here goes:

I WAS: a student of philosophy suckered into not one, but two degrees, a professor (of sorts) of the aforementioned subject, quite fond of the critical thinking and introduction to philosophy courses as my specialty was incorporating philosophy into a public school K-12 curriculum (Ha! Told you I was a sucker!). I always felt that with philosophy you either loved it or hated it, and it all depended on the professor who introduced you to it. Hopefully my following was of the former mindset, though I never took an actual poll. The bottom line is that I loved thinking and teaching all the weird stuff that made people think either you were waaay off your rocker, or that you were one of the bright bulbs in the bunch, regardless of what my students thought. However, I discovered it was not an either/or, but both a little insanity and brilliance were necessary for success in the subject.

I AM: not a professor anymore, unless you count the daily lectures to my children.
A SAHM (stay at home mom: not to condescend, but at first I thought a SAHM was some kind of new disease, or secret hip term for some teenage texting code parents were too dumb to decipher) who has obviously been out of the adult reality loop for a while, and a part time candy maker selling her wares any place that will stock them and giving most away as free samples in the hopes of self-promotion. I've been married for 7 years, and in the way of children, have a 5 year old "Little Man Tate" as some of his teachers have called him, a 3 1/2 year old spitfire of a daughter who finds joy in the challenge of making you smile at her as you reprimand her for some behavioral infraction or sly attempt at deceit, and a 2 1/2 month old baby girl who has yet to find a way to piss me off! I just can't find fault with the whole sleeping through the night, eating like a champ, and smiling at every feeble attempt I make to get a grin out of her...I feel it is the calm before the storm, though, before you other parents of newborns and young infants decide to send a hit man and take me out!

I WANT: to find my way back into writing, maybe be successful enough not to have to go back to school and earn a degree that I can actually use. A girl can dream right? I mean, if Tori Spelling and a SAHM with a whacked Stephen King-ish nightmare turned multi-million dollar franchise can do it why not me? Don't get me wrong, love Tori, watch her show, and enjoy empathizing with the chaos, the friction caused by children entering a marriage, and the day to day life struggle of a Hollywood star trying to have a "normal" life (ok, so I am not a star, but the "normal" life thing is at least a very common theme you don't need head shots or movie credits to understand). And I have even been known to enjoy anything vampire-related for as long as I can remember. I'll also admit to reading almost every word Stephen King has ever written (more than once in most cases), and watching every inane vampire/witch/magic/supernatural show I can find the time to enjoy. But the real question is, can I turn all of this random babbling into something that can satisfy both the practical and creative sides of me? Who knows, but at the very least I hope you enjoy taking the journey with me.

Until next time....