Our children, ourselves...or are they?

When I became a mom, I said I would never be one of "those" moms. You know the kind that judge what other parents do, say, implement, ignore, condone, etc, and snicker and tsk and give the looks and whispers. I would not be one of them because my kids (of course) would never do anything to embarass me or make me the subject of discussion of "those" moms.

Well, phooey, we all do it. Moms, Dads, Grandparents, friends, we all judge other people and their actions everyday. And nowhere else does our sense of self get as overinflated, and our view of our own actions so obscured as when we see the children of other people doing or saying things that "our children would never do" and walk away secure in the knowledge that we are doing a much better job of parenting than "them." Until...our children do and say those things.

Enter, reality...

Kindergarten boys soccer game number 3...the other team tries to score and misses. My son, my angel, the fruit of my labor (well, not in the birthing sense), yells at the top of his lungs to the other boys..."LOSERS, you guys are losers!!" I missed the actual event, so the words may be off, but you get the idea. I came into the picture when other parents on our team went to my son and gave him pieces of their minds (to whom I am grateful for stepping in when so clearly a good sportsmanship infraction was committed). Many of those parents actually apologized to me for stepping in, clearly aware of how it might offend some parents who cannot take a criticism of their child in any circumstance. I was totally ok with the fact that those parents stepped in. It was necessary and I would have done the same. What I was not ok with was that the need for it was caused by my kid.

I know, I know, kids do and say those things, but it was like my parenting bubble was burst. My kid just totally humiliated me...ok, so I left out the part about the parents from the other team standing 3 feet from me and making all kinds of tsk, tsk, noises, and the "unbelievable" and "what, is this team going jerseylicious on us or what?"
Situation dealt with, coach (dad) took the team aside and gave the talk about good sportsmanship and what it means. Mom, fuming on the sideline...

Enter...soccer game #4...my son on the sideline waiting until the opposing team members came close and then threw grass at them, later making faces at the other team, shooting pretend finger guns at them, blah, blah, blah, etc... Again, missing the initial contact and having to get some of the story secondhand (the rest I saw for myself as I was a hawk the rest of the game) our teams other parents stepped in and let my son know that the behavior was inappropriate and so on. He turns and looks at me. Not knowing exactly what transpired, but judging from the gasps and "aww, now, that's not ok" from the other parents that I needed to say something, I looked him in the eye and said "really disappointing, really disappointing," hoping to be vague yet stern enough to get through until I got the whole story. I let coach know he needed to address the same issues again, and then fumed on the sideline...again.

Now, I know, these infractions are small, not very mean, not bullying or other really seriously concerning behaviors. What bothers me most is how bothered I was by them. Yes, boys will be boys, and the yes, competition is hard for 5 year olds to learn to handle, but where do you draw the line? Is it enough to model good sportsmanship, or do I need to do something more and yes, I am probably overreacting...but what I really wonder is why? Why did my child's behavior affect me so much?

Which finally brings me back to this initial intention of this post...our children being a reflection of ourselves. Of course there is personal bullying and overall meanspirited treatment baggage in my suitcases (being the recipient of behaviors such as these in my time), and the last thing I want is my son to be that person. As a mom, I know I am judged on the actions of my kids. It is the nature of human parents, for better or worse. That is why. I don't want to be the "talk" of some other parents (negatively anyway). I want the "wow, what a great mom" or the "she's doing a great job." I want my kids to be a reflection of the best parts of me, not to be the recipient of the tsk, tsking, or disapproving looks. Yes, I am guilty of wanting to deliver or thinking some of the same, but I am at least wise enough to check myself and keep those feelings or thoughts to myself when I feel or think them!

Well, ok, so I have been known to dish the dirt and have mommy judging moments, but only to make myself feel like a better parent. Never to actually hurt someone's feelings. I guess it's like the tree falling in the forest thing...if no one is around to hear it...like I said, we all do it.

Oh, boy...hello self-examination and the realization that the opinions of others about me still makes or breaks my self-esteem. Told you this blog was cheaper than therapy!!!

So what is important in the end? That my son is an angel, a typical 5 year old boy who I want to play sports, have fun, compete, and yes, try to win (even though there is no score keeping in his age group). But most important, I want him to be the better player. The one who tries his best, helps and encourages his teammates, and is both a gracious winner and loser. I think those things can be accomplished, and should be, without the name calling, grass throwing, yuckiness that I have seen the last couple of games. This translates to a life lesson for me. I want my kid to be the better person, not the one that people are having to talk to, or about. We all judge, but maybe a little more objective observation, and a lot more humility are the keys to avoiding the scorn of "those moms" and negativity later in life.

Or maybe...this is the female version of unsportsmanlike conduct, and is necessary for the game. Maybe there is a reason we all do it...HA! Perhaps I'm not the only one with self-esteem issues. It might be what makes the world go round!!

Is it so bad to want to be liked and approved of? Who knows, and is anyone keeping score anyway....? Oh, yeah...we all are.

Until next time....