Of all the comments and questions I have gotten in the past few months, the one I have spent the most time thinking about is "didn't this just piss you off?" Well, yes, more than most people know. Having a stroke, dealing with the physical problems it left behind, and trying desperately to "insert myself back into my life" is totally off-putting...to say the least. So, did this make me angry? You bet. However, if there is one thing I have learned it is that there are more important things to focus on than the anger. Acknowledge it, accept it, and move the hell on. I know too many people stuck in the anger part of recovery to think that it is a healthy place to be.
Here's the thing I don't spend a lot of time thinking about...I almost died. Do not pass GO, do not collect the watching of the children and my marriage grow, push up the daisies, become one with the universe...I could write a lot of other witty euphamisms for this fact, but again, I would be dodging the true impact of the statement. A little more bleeding, a millimeter left or right and BLAMO--death or coma. I did not need the MRI to show me what could've been, although, that did make quite an impact.
What made the biggest impact, you ask? I make assumptions that you ask this.
I DIDN'T die!
Yes, my eyes lived in their own little world of a bad acid trip (again, assumptions), and I have had to work very hard to exercise and train them to make them go where I want them to, and when. They are slow, and seeing in general does not come naturally to me anymore. It has just become something I have to work at. I have to make them look, focus, track, and search. It is a conscious activity now, not something I take for granted anymore.
The double vision, well, that is another story...that sucks! I am now playing the "waiting game." Basically, my vision situation is this...the images from each of my eyes do not match up. One image is straight up and down (left eye) and the other is twisted a little (right eye). How do we fix it? That is the kicker. Scotch tape for now. The tape is so that only one image comes to me at a time. I switch the tape between the right and left lenses of my glasses so that both eyes are still being stimulated and working. Wouldn't want one to get lazy and stop working...at least not yet. The twist is caused by an eye muscle that is paralyzed, kind of like the stroke survivors you have seen with a paralysis of the limbs, my paralysis is on the inside. Leave it to me to find the most obscure deficit. There are competing ideas as to what the real problem is eyes/brain/both. So, the simple answer is that we don't know. We just wait and see what the rest of the healing process will produce. The good news is that I can get my two images to overlap, but not fuse togethere to make one image. Imaging trying to fit a puzzle piece in, but you have the piece turned counter-clockwise just enough not to fit into the space.
Welcome to my world. Maybe I should by stock in 3M or whoever makes the kind of tape I'm using.
Until next time...
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